Piranha 3D (2010)

 

 

 

Are you ready kids? "Holy shit Captain!!!!!" I can't hear you. "AHHHHHH Captain!!!!" What has teeth and lives under the sea? PIRANHAAAS!!! What eats flesh as bloody as can be? PIRANHAAAAS!  PIRANHAAAS! PIRANHAAAASSS! PIRAN - HAAAS!

 

PLOT

   Lake Victoria seems to be the perfect place for Spring Break craziness. Wet Titty-shirt contests, skinny dipping, drinking, partying, fucking, water sports, and oh yeah, blood thirsty prehistoric Piranhas feasting on our Human friends.  An Earthquake opens up a cavern deep beneath Lake Victoria, which releases prehistoric Piranhas that begin to feast on any and every person that steps even one foot in the water.   It's up to the sheriff Julie Forrester to get everyone to safety.  Meanwhile, Julie's teenage son Jake decides to go off on a boat with his friend Kelly, some douche bag  wannabe porn director named Derrick, and two hot chicks.  Things take a turn when their boat hits a rock and begins to sink.  Lake Victoria is about to have one hell of a fucking blood bath.

 

REVIEW

 In 1978, cult horror director Joe Dante and producer Roger Corman made a B-Movie titled Piranha. The film was highly inspired by Steven Spielberg's 1975 horror classic Jaws. Actually, more so a rip off that proudly admits to ripping off Jaws.  That film even references the many killer creature features that came before it like Creature From The Black Lagoon, Jaws (the lead character plays a Jaws arcade game), and a few others.  Anyways, that film became a cult classic  amongst horror fans.  Sure, the FX are dated a bit, but that doesn't stop Piranha (1978) from being enjoyable.  In the later years, a sequel was made and then a made for TV remake in the '90s. 

 

    And now, we have the second remake to Piranha, but this time by avid French horror director Alexandre Aja and it just so happens to be in 3D.   The story is pretty to the point and simple like most B-Movie or creature features.   An Earthquake happens, lets loose over a thousand ancient Piranhas from an underground cave, and they begin feasting on swimmers, tourists, tits, penises, and just about everything they can find in the water.  I love the screenplay written by Pete Goldfinger and Josh Stolberg.  It has that campy feel to it that makes it lots of fun to watch. 

 

   The only characters that are really developed are Sheriff Julie Forrester, her kids (Jake, Laura, and Zane), and her oldest son Jake's friend Kelly. Everybody else is basically one dimensional characters that end up becoming Piranha food for the most part. We got the douche bag wannabe porn filmmaker Derrick. Two hot chicks with nice vaginas and boobs, who work for Derrick.  Deputy Fallon, who is awesome because he is played by Ving Rhames from the Mission Impossible movies and that Dawn of the Dead remake.  Mr. Goodman, who is a researcher of sorts and helps find out what kinda Piranhas are attacking Lake Victoria. Everybody else is strictly Piranha bait baby! Besides, most movies like this are all about the fun and carnage.

 

 Gore you say? You want gore? Holy fucking shit bro, you get buckets and buckets full of the red stuff!  Truthfully, I believe that this is the goriest horror flick that I've seen since Peter Jackson's '90s gore soaker Dead-Alive. I ain't bullshitting you, this movie is gore galore and more!  Derrick's demise is my favorite. Let's just say that the Piranha's like to chew on dicks and spit them out.  Man, I haven't seen this much carnage in a horror film in a LONG time! We get people being ripping to pieces, in half, skinned, eyeballs ripped out, and the list just gets wider and wider. The 3D definitely helps advance the deaths and gore galore.  Yeah, it's going to be a wet T-Shirt contest alright, but it ain't going to be by water. It's going to be fucking BLOOD!   There's also a great scene where one of the million Piranhas actually comes out of a girl's mouth from eating through the back of her head. All I have left to say is if you are a gore hound then this movie is all for you! Greg Nicotero and Howard Berger did a really great job on the gore FX as they usually do.

 

     The nudity is pretty top notch too.  We get lots of boobies and even a good like four or five minutes of two girls swimming FULLY NUDE in 3D!  And ladies, there's also some male parts shown, but it ain't attached to the body.

 

  The direction by Alexandre Aja is really great for the most part. I was really digging the 3D in this film especially during the kills and how the Piranhas were handled. It's obvious that the Piranhas are all CGI, but it is a B-Movie and so the CGI adds to the fun for a change. This movie is supposed to be ridiculous, campy, gory and sleazy, and lots of fun. That's what it is and that is why it works. It knows that it is a B-Movie and it admits it. Aja handled the film nicely. I've always been a big fan of the guy's work with High Tension and The Hills Have Eyes remake.  Yes, Mirrors was average, but this is definitely Aja's comeback to making solid fun gory horror like he used to.  The direction was really good.

 

 The acting was pretty decent for the theme of the film. Elizabeth Shue  was pretty good as the lead character Sheriff Julie Forrester.  Steven R. McQueen was probably my favorite as Jake, who becomes the hero of the film. Jessica Szohr played the typical girlfriend character as Kelly. Brooklyn Proulx and Sage Ryan were decent as the kids Laura and Zane Forrester. Ving Rhames was fucking awesome as Deputy Fallon and fucked up some Piranhas!  Jerry O' Connell plays the douche bag wannabe porn director Derrick Jones. This guy was a dick and got his ate. Christopher Lloyd was awesome as always as Mr. Goodman. I really hope that Lloyd gets back into acting. I miss seeing him in movies! The guy is just awesome.  And then there was a cameo of Eli Roth (Writer/Director of Cabin Fever and Hostel & Hostel Part II) playing, well, Eli Roth as the wet T-Shirt contest host. His death was pretty awesome. All in all, decent cast.

 

Overall, Piranha 3D is just fucking awesome. Plain and simple. If you want to see lots of gore, boobs, a severed penis, and blood thirsty fish come at you in three dimensions, then Piranha 3D is a must see.  Just be careful not to go to Lake Victoria to swim. You won't eat the fish, but the fish sure as hell will be eating YOU!

 

Is it just me or is there something fishy going on at Lake Victoria? Time to strip down and jump in the water in my inner-tube. I'll sea you later! HEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHA!

 

RATING

3.5/4 STABS