Friday The 13th (2009)

 

 

 

Looks like we're back at Crystal Lake.   It's time for the legend of Jason Voorhees and his demented mother to be resurrected for the next generation of Friday The 13th fans.   Will the new era of care free teens outsmart Jason and his machete? Or, will Jason outsmart them because they're all just a bunch of pot headed dummies?  Ain't it always the way? You get a boner and Jason shows up to slash it off!

 

PLOT

  On Friday June 13th, 1980,  Mrs. Pamela Voorhees killed seven counselors at Camp Crystal Lake in revenge because she blamed them for her son Jason drowning.  That same night, the last counselor alive cut Mrs. Voorhees's head off with a machete (I can only guess that she cut her head off since the camera shook all over the fucking place) as Jason watched from a close distance.  We skip to the present day where a group of pot smoking and pervertedly challenged idiots consisting of Wade, Richie and his slut Amanda, and Mike and his girlfriend Whitney are camping out in search of some rare marijuana that supposedly grows around Crystal Lake (SINCE WHEN?).  That night, Wade tells the legend of Jason Voorhees or in this case makes fun of it.  Soon, these dumbasses are killed by a burlap sack masked Jason. TITLE CARD 23 minutes into the fucking movie causing the audience to burst out in laughter.  We then skip six weeks later where rich asshole Trent and his friends (Jenna, Bree, Chelsea, Nolan, Chewie, and Lawrence) are spending the weekend at his dad's lake house. They plan to be totally care free with sex, topless water sports, beer, and of course some marijuana.  Later, they meet a guy named Clay who is searching for his missing sister Whitney, who disappeared six weeks back.  The only person willing to help Clay in his search is Jenna.  One by one, they are killed by a now hockey masked Jason. Who will live? Who will die? Who really cares about these teens and wants Jason to kill em' all? I'm game for number three!

 

REVIEW

      In 1980, a little slasher film was released by Paramount Pictures titled Friday The 13th.  The film was a huge success because it pretty much imitated Halloween except had the location at a secluded summer camp and consisted of over the top murders. At the time,  mainstream audiences had never seen anything like it before. Before 1980, movies of this caliber were done totally independent and didn't receive much attention except for John Carpenter's Halloween.  The massive success of Friday The 13th sent the horror genre's popularity way the hell up and other studios began to pitch in, creating what is now known as the slasher film. These films were very cheap to make and basically guaranteed your film to make a lot of money.  Friday The 13th spawned seven sequels throughout the '80s.  The slasher film trend began to tire itself out in the late '80s and into the mid '90s.   After the eighth installment Friday The 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan bombed at the box office in 1989, Paramount Pictures sold the rights back to Sean S. Cunningham. New Line Cinema bought the rights from Cunningham and released Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday in 1993, hoping to finally make a Freddy Vs. Jason movie happen next.  In 1996, Miramax released the box office hit Scream that breathed new life back into a worn out genre by poking fun at the slasher genre as well as casting famous actors.

 

          The late '90s and early '00s brought on Scream-like slasher films starring actors from television, hoping to make it into movies to further their careers.   New Line released Jason X into theaters in 2001 that placed Jason 400 years into the future and in space so that it wouldn't screw up the possibility of a Freddy Vs. Jason movie.  In 2003, New Line finally found the right script and cast/crew to make Freddy Vs. Jason happen after all these years.  Freddy VS. Jason was released to theaters everywhere in the late summer of 2003. Fans of both franchises (myself included) flocked to the nearest theater on opening night to see our favorite '80s slashers not only kill teenagers, but try to slasher each other as well. Freddy VS. Jason was a huge success, doing major box office cash for both franchises.  Talk soon arose for a sequel as well as other match ups. We had rumors of Michael Myers VS. Pinhead, Chucky VS. Leprechaun, Leatherface and the Sawyers VS. Papa Jupitor and the hills family, and even a Freddy VS. Jason VS. Ash possibility. Sadly though, none of these happened.

 

       Michael Bay who is best known for his action movies (Bad Boys, The Rock, Transformers, etc.) began a small production company called Platinum Dunes. I can hear you all sighing now. But yes, THAT Platinum Dunes. Anyways, Bay claims that his small company consisting of himself and partners Brad Fuller and Andrew Form are to help first time directors break out into feature films.  BUT, what Platinum Dunes is known for is horror remakes. They find whatever they can get the rights to and remake it. Now, I'm not talking small unknown horror films, but big name franchises as well that don't need a remake and are stand alone classics. 

 

     In the Fall of 2003, Platinum Dunes released their first remake, which was for Tobe Hooper's 1974 classic masterpiece The Texas Chainsaw Massacre starring big names like Jessica Biel. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) did majorly well at the box office, beating out the grossing of the original four films.  Platinum Dunes released their remake for The Amityville Horror (their best remake in my opinion) in the Spring of 2005 starring Ryan Reynolds. Again, the film was a huge success. Much like how Hollywood was with slashers and sequels back in the '80s, they took notice of how successful these remakes of old school horror films were at the box office. So, the remake trend kicked off leaving no original film safe from a re-imagining.  By cashing in on these big name titles, studios could garner a lot of cash from teenagers that wanted to see them.

 

And now we have Platinum Dunes' 2009 re-imagining of Friday The 13th.   Since New Line Cinema only owned the characters of Jason and his mother, Camp Crystal Lake, and the hockey mask, they had to find some way to get Paramount Pictures on board to use just the title " Friday The 13th".  Platinum Dunes somehow convinced Paramount Pictures ($$$) to co-produce the remake along with New Line.   Was Friday The 13th (2009) a good remake? No. Was it a horrible one? No. 

 

   Friday The 13th (2009) is one of those horror films that is not good, mediocre, or downright terrible. The best two descriptions for it is bland and generic.   It is a film that doesn't really bring anything new to the table except for adding some new elements to Jason as a character.  The narrative, characters, and kills though are nothing we haven't seen before for the most part. 

 

      I think the weakest part of Friday The 13th (2009) though was definitely the script written by Freddy VS. Jason writers Mark Swift and Damian Shannon.  How these two writers can go from the fucking awesome Freddy VS. Jason to writing a bland Friday The 13th screenplay is beyond me. Although, I just have a strange feeling that Platinum Dunes made them change up their original script to fit the bland Platinum Dunes remake format.  I'm not saying the writers aren't to blame, but I'm just saying that this film may have turned out WAY different if Platinum Dunes weren't making it.

 

 I'll first address what I liked about Friday The 13th (2009). I love the portrayal of Jason in this film.   He's still killing care free idiots at Crystal Lake, but there is more to him than just a guy in a mask.  I loved that they made him territorial and predator like.  Instead of a shack in the woods like in Friday The 13th Part 2 (1981), he is living in an abandoned mine shaft beneath Crystal Lake.  I've read where people were complaining that he put lights in it and that this whole mine shaft was like the Hewitt's basement in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003). I do agree about parts of this film looking similar to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) especially since this film was directed by the same guy, but the resemblance didn't bother me for some reason.  As for the lights, who's to say Jason put them there? I think that the lights were already there from when it was used for mining.  I really loved that Jason was smarter and more clever in this film.  Jason sets bear traps, bells to let him know someone is prowling around, and so on.  Personally, I never thought that Jason was mentally retarded in the first place. I guess people just assume that since he is silent and only knew his mother. Well, the man has been living in the woods of Crystal Lake his ENTIRE life. It caused him to grow up and basically teach himself since his mom wasn't around to raise him. He now knows Crystal Lake like the back of his hand and knows how to hunt to survive. He's really just protecting himself and his home from society.  Also, he holds a grudge against care free teenagers because they caused him to supposedly drown, picked on him, and also killed his mother. All the guy wants is to be left alone, but no, some horny kids have to snoop around in places they don't belong, and disturb him. So, he defends his home and himself by slashing them.  The look of Jason was also pretty cool. I loved the burlap sack used to cover his deformed face at the beginning of the film. It actually in my opinion looked creepier than the burlap sacked used in Friday The 13th Part 2 (1981). And of course, the hockey mask is always cool with me. Although I wish he had gotten it from one of the teens rather than at the barn where that fucking pot farmer was at. That scene where he puts on the hockey mask for the first time and looks into the mirror was taken right out of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning where Leatherface first puts on someone else's face. So aside from that, they definitely did Jason himself justice I have to say.  I flat out hated the new Mrs. Voorhees though. This lady was horrible! They basically recycled a few of Betsy Palmer's lines from the original except with a terrible actress. There were a few victims and kills that I did kinda enjoy, which I will get to in a bit.

 

       The victims were pretty terrible with a few exceptions. I flat out HATED the first batch of victims at the beginning of the film!  These people were perverted as hell! Oh my God! The characters Richie and Wade were the worst.  Now, I know in most Friday The 13th films, the victims are supposed to be cannon fodder, but at least make them bearable to watch.  Most of the dialogue that came out of these characters' mouths was stuff like...

 

" I'm not gonna go out there with a boner."

" Wade, if you're out there jacking off man, that is not cool!"

"  You wanna slap that ass for Daddy? Yeah Daddy does like that!"

" I am relaxed and you wanna know why? Because that's what rich people do. They relax. You need to fucking relax."

 

And then there is a scene where they talk about drinking piss, which I will NOT get into.  The point is that I wanted to see Jason shred these fuckers quickly. The slut Amanda, well , she just got poked in the rear and flashed her sweaty tits at my TV screen.  Mike (yeah use my name assholes) was just a blah character as Whitney's boyfriend. He didn't annoy me, but he only had like FOUR lines of dialogue. The ONLY character of this bunch that was not annoying and actually resembled a brain and a personality was Whitney.  Her mother has cancer and her boyfriend brought her out here to Crystal Lake because supposedly her mother asked him to get her out of the house for a few days. 

 

        Then there is the second group of victims, but they are definitely more bearable to watch than the first batch was.  We have Trent, who is a rich douche bag. I hated this guy for all the right reasons. Here's a guy who brings his buddies who love to party to stay with him at his father's lake house for the weekend, yet won't let them touch ANYTHING! Seriously? Really? You invite your friends and they can't do anything. Well, I want to fuck your girlfriend on the kitchen floor! So, what the fuck are you going to do about it  you jackass?  Anyways, I kinda liked the other teen characters. We have Chewie, who is fucking hilarious. I loved this guy and apparently everyone did.  He was great as the comic relief, which I definitely needed after hearing Trent whine about messing up the house.  Trent's girlfriend Jenna was pretty hot and I liked her. Bree was hot too and I would definitely fuck her without insulting the look of her boobs like Trent did. You know a guy is a bastard when he tells his sex partner that her tits are stupid!   Lawrence was the token black guy of the bunch and surprisingly didn't annoy me. Although I wish they had written him more like Deon Richmond's Marcus character from Hatchet, but oh well.   Chelsea and Nolan definitely seemed like the typical Friday The 13th victims as well as their deaths.  Clay was likeable as the lead character of the film. He was on a mission to find his missing sister and you could kinda tell that they were pretty close.   Officer Bracke didn't do anything except die.  And then there was that fucking annoying as hell pot farmer named Donnie. Holy shit! This guy was probably the most irritable character of the movie aside from Richie, Wade, and Trent. Thank God that he didn't last long. All he basically did was smoke weed, look at porn and then fucking licks the page after he probably also squirted all over it. What was the point of this character aside from annoying me? KILL HIM NOW!!!!!!!! All in all, pretty bad selection of characters.  It's sad when the most likeable character is Jason. Although hell, Jason is the reason we Friday The 13th fans go to see these films to begin with. Show boobs and die!

 

  And now for what is "USUALLY" the best part of a Friday The 13th film: the kills! The kills in Friday The 13th (2009) are very bland and generic much like the movie itself. The best kill is that of Amanda where Jason ties her sleeping bag over the camp fire as she roasts like a fucking marsh mellow. It's obviously a homage to Kane Hodder's famous sleeping bag home run hit from Friday The 13th: The New Blood.  It was pretty brutal and I liked it.  Richie's death was also pretty cool where he almost rips his entire foot off by stepping into a bear trap before getting a machete right between the eyes.  That whole topless water skiing scene with Chelsea and Nolan was awesome and felt like something that would definitely occur in a Friday The 13th film. I loved it when out of nowhere, an arrow went through Nolan's head. I loved it when Jason sticks his machete right through the dock into Chelsea's head then pulls up revealing her sexy tits one last time before she slides off the blade. I don't care if it's impossible that she slid off. It looked cool to me!  Chewie's death was pretty cool where he got a screwdriver or an ice pick in the throat. I loved when he asked if the hockey stick that he found in the shed belonged to Jason. That shit was hilarious.  I also kinda dug the fire poker through the cop's eye kill.  Trent's death was pretty cool where Jason stuck him with the machete, lifted him and slid him back and forth on the machete before taking him off and slamming him through a pole on the back of a truck as it sped away taking Trent's corpse with it.  And then there was the others. We got Bree's death where Jason impales her on deer antlers. This was kinda a rip off of Silent Night, Deadly Night where killer Santa impaled Linnea Quigley on deer antlers while she was topless.  Donnie as annoying as that fucker was only got his throat slit. WHAT? He deserved far worse than that!  Lawrence just got an axe through the chest.  And even the beheading of Mrs. Voorhees at the opening was lame, probably due to all that fucking shaky cam. What was up with all of the shaky cam in this movie anyways? Oh I get it. The shaking of the camera is supposed to make the scene feel more intense for us. Well sorry, but it just becomes annoying and VERY distracting. It's like the camera operator was getting head while on the job.  Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween had some shaky cam parts too, but at least I could tell what was happening there. Here, I couldn't tell if Mrs. Voorhees got her head cut off or just her throat slashed, so it got annoying real quick.

 

 What was up with all of the marijuana activity in this movie? Like, really. I know that the victims in Friday The 13th films smoke pot, but not this damn much. When just about every character is a stoner then we got a problem. I wouldn't mind if it was just Chewie and Lawrence, but we got Richie, Wade, and that fucking pot farmer Donnie!  Marijuana grows around Crystal Lake huh? Is that your excuse for why horny teens like to party there so much?  Whatever. If I wanted to see an entire movie centered around doobie snacks then I would simply watch Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle thank you very much. 

 

And lastly, Jason holds Whitney prisoner in his lair. I get it. She looks like his mom and he is keeping her because she makes him feel that his mom is still there with him.  That's just not something that Jason would do though.  I personally would have rather had him kill Whitney. This subplot really bothered me. She also escapes, gets all the way to Trent's lake house, he catches her, and then right back in chains. What was the point of all that?  It reminded me of Strangeland where they caught Captain Howdy after he had kidnapped and had the main character's teenage daughter stripped naked and her mouth sewed shut then he gets out and does the exact SAME thing again! What was the point of writing it where she escapes when she just gets put back into imprisonment not far afterward?  And I also flat out hated the ending to this movie. It was like they blended the ending to the original with the ending to Jason X.

 

 The music by Steve Jablonski who handles the music for ALL of Platinum Dunes' productions was pretty forgettable. Just generic horror music.  Speaking of music, where the fuck was the goddamn "KI KI KI MA MA MA" score? I only heard it like three or four times in the entire movie. Wait, why am I complaining that they only played it four times? I'll give them a small bit of credit for playing it at all. Rob Zombie didn't even use the Halloween theme at all in his version of Halloween II  except for half way through the fucking end credits after people already left the theater.

 

       The direction by Marcus Nispel was very generic. Nispel also directed the WAY better remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  His movies usually look good visually thanks to DP Daniel Pearl, the director of photography on the original and remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  But, Nispel has a nack for toning down movies that are known for violence and playing everything by the numbers. Pretty blah direction.

 

  The acting is definitely the best part of the film. Jared Padalecki was good as Clay. Danielle Panabaker was good as Jenna. Amanda Righetti was decent as Whitney. Travis Van Winkle played a good asshole as Trent. I hated him for the right reasons. Aaron Yoo was my favorite as Chewie. This guy is hilarious and I could tell that he improvised some of his performance. Jonathan Sadowski was annoying as Wade. Julianna Guill had nice tits as Bree. Ben Feldman was annoying as hell as Richie. Arlan Escarpeta was okay as the token black guy Lawrence. Ryan Hansen was okay as Nolan. Willa Ford was smokin' hot as Chelsea and had NICE boobs! Kyle Davis was irritating as Donnie. Nana Visitor was horrendous as Mrs. Voorhees. I wish they had gotten the lady from Freddy VS. Jason. That lady was creepy and would have worked here as Mrs. Voorhees. And I loved Derek Mears as the new Jason. I haven't seen Jason this vicious in a long time and it was nice to see pre-zombie Jason back on the screen again.  Everybody else was okay. Not totally bad casting, I just wish they had a better crew to work with.  

 

 Overall, Friday The 13th (2009) is still a disappointing remake that remains bland and generic.  I like that it never really felt like a straight up remake though. They took Mrs. Voorhees getting decapitated from the original Friday The 13th, the campfire tale of Jason and burlap sack masked Jason from Part 2, the barn and him getting the hockey mask from Part 3, and the guy looking for his sister in The Final Chapter and made a new film using little parts from the original franchise. The mythology is basically the same. I do kinda wish that the whole film was done in an '80s fashion since the original franchise took place within the '80s. I don't understand why they would have The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Amityville Horror remakes take place in the '70s like the original films, yet Friday The 13th can't take place in the '80s.  Too bad that the remake had a weak script and a generic crew to work with. I hear that there won't be a sequel. Probably for the best, but if one does happen,  I will still be there opening night.  I just hope they lose Platinum Dunes and that Paramount and New Line make it themselves like they have done in the past.

 

  It's just another summer at Camp Crystal Lake.  As for Jason, he's still slashing care free teens as we speak.   The legend of Jason Voorhees still remains a staple in the horror genre and Mr. Voorhees and his machete are going to be part of generations of horror to come. Hope you enjoyed your stay at Crystal Lake. Until the next slashing, have a nice fright! HEHEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 

RATING

1.5/4 STABS

 

      

 

       

 

     

 

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993) / Jason X (2001)

 

 

 

EWWWW! That Manhattan trip sure was a waste. Of toxic waste that is!  Looks like our old pal Jason Voorhees needs a more pleasant change of environment.  Since he lives in New Jersey, how about visiting our old friend till the end, Chuckster. Killer dolls always bring out the pleasantness. Nope, seems Chucky got torn to pieces at the old amusement park by Andy and the gang. I know! How about, Jason Goes To HELL!

 

PLOT

      Some woman heads to Camp Crystal Lake to take a shower and clean up. Jason shows up, chases the woman out into the woods, and then is blown to fucking pieces by the SWAT team.  Jason's remains are taken to the morgue to be examined.  The mortician notices that Jason's heart begins to bizarrely beat faster and faster.  For some unknown fucking reason, the mortician begins to chow down on Jason's heart as if it were a frickin' Big Mack from Mickey D's.  This somehow possesses the mortician with Jason's soul (WHAT?).  Jason begins to kill and possess people around Crystal Lake. He kills a waitress named Diana.  Diana's daughter Jessica's ex boyfriend Steven is blamed for the murder and locked up.  In jail, Steven meets a bounty hunter who has been on Jason's trail for a long time named Creighton Duke. Duke tells Steven that the only way to kill Jason for good is for a blood relative to kill him. It turns out that Diana was Jason's blood sister (again with the killer/victim siblingship!).  The only way for Jason to get his real image back is to possess a blood relative as well, which leaves Jessica and their baby daughter in danger.  Steven must convince Jessica about her dark family history so that she can stop Jason permanently: by sending him straight to Hell!

 

REVIEW

    In 1989, Paramount Pictures released the eighth installment in their popular Friday The 13th franchise titled Friday The 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan. The movie was a huge disappointment to fans and to Paramount Pictures as well at the box office.   In 1990, Paramount decided that they no longer wanted to produce any more Friday The 13th films and sold the rights back to Sean S. Cunningham, who produced/directed the original.  Cunningham had connections with some executives at New Line Cinema (the home of Freddy Krueger and back then Leatherface as well) and sold the rights to them.  Realizing that both Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger were now under the same company, talk arose again for a Freddy Vs. Jason film.  It just seemed like a great opportunity.  New Line decided to make a movie for both franchises where the two icons would end up in Hell together.   In 1991, New Line released Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare that sent Freddy back to Hell.  In 1993, New Line released the ninth installment in the Friday The 13th franchise titled Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday.  

 

    The problem was that Paramount Pictures still owned some of the rights like the title "Friday The 13th" as well as all of the events that occurred in the first eight films. New Line only got the rights to the characters Jason Voorhees and Pamela Voorhees, Camp Crystal Lake, and of course the trade mark hockey mask.  This caused New Line to have to come up with something totally different for Jason Goes To Hell rather than the same old same old that we have seen in eight movies. So, they decided to add in a B-Movie/creature feature of sorts and bring in some more supernatural elements to Jason.  This outraged lots of fans back in 1993 and still has people hating this film even today.   I don't hate Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday by any means. In fact, I find this film to be highly entertaining, funny, very gory, and lots of fun. Sue me.

 

     I'm not denying how ridiculous the narrative to this movie is. But, for me, that's the appeal of it. I'm not a snobby movie goer like a lot of the world's population can be including some of my own friends and family.  I'm fair and see in between. It's always good to look at things outside of the box, which most movie goers won't dare do. We all have different kinds of movies we like. This movie just so happens to be different from the Jason movies that we're used to seeing, which is why this film gets so much hate. I respect Adam Marcus for having the balls to go this direction knowing how pissed off a lot of hardcore fans would get at him.  He wanted to do something completely different with the franchise and he certainly did. It may not be perfect and definitely has some flaws, but that doesn't stop the movie from being highly entertaining.

 

The screenplay written by Jay Huguely and Dean Lorey is alright.   Jason Goes To Hell is basically if you took a little section from Night of the Creeps and turned it into a slasher flick.   Jason's soul is in the form of this slimy slug sorta thing that crawls into peoples' mouths and controls them.  Also, when someone is possessed by Jason, their reflection in the mirror is the image of Jason.   While, this concept is VERY strange and bizarre, I kinda liked it because it was something NEW.  This wasn't just a slasher flick anymore.  It went into a little bit of a demonic creature feature theme and I was cool with that. The narrative did have some major problems though, which I will discuss in a few minutes. I pretty much enjoyed most of the characters.  Steven was a guy I truly felt bad for. All he wants is to see his daughter who he didn't even know he had. Everyone thinks that he is a psychopathic murderer for most of the movie. Can't this guy ever get a break?  Jessica was decent as the heroine of the film. Not the best, but a hell of a lot better than Rennie from the last movie.  Her mother Diana was okay too. We don't get to know her well though since she gets killed by her "brother" Jason early on. Creighton Duke was kinda annoying. All he basically did was provide the new back story for Jason. The news guy Robert Campbell was a total douche bag. He doesn't last long though since Jason possesses him.   The woman Joey B. who is the manager at the diner REALLY annoyed me. She said the word "FUCK" like it was the only word she knew.  This lady probably grew up in the trailer park. Definitely the kinda character that we would see in any of Rob Zombie's movies. YEESH! I hated this woman and her death was absolutely hilarious.  Everyone else was just part of the body count.

 

      And now for the best part of any Jason movie: the kills! The kills in Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday are fucking awesome! My personal favorite is when Jason rams some kinda tent post through this chick while she is hopping up and down on her boyfriend's cock like it's a goddamn Pogo stick, then lifts up causing the girl to split in half as blood sprays into the boyfriend's face while he is STILL fucking her! Necrophilia anyone?   A guy's face melts off after Jason hops out of his body. It's really cool because the dude's entire lower jaw just falls to the floor oozing with blood and the teeth still attached.   We also get a nice arm bone popped through the skin.  I loved the death of Joey B. Just fucking hilarious.   The blowing up of Jason at the beginning was also really cool looking.  All in all, great gore thanks to Nicotero and Berger. 

 

 I do have some issues with the film though. I hated that they changed Jason's back story on us.  It's said that only a blood relative can defeat him and only a blood relative can bring him back. Now, I didn't mind the body jumping ordeal even though it was highly silly, but I do take issue with changing the mythology of Jason.  It didn't help that New Line didn't have the rights to most of what happened in the first eight films that Paramount produced, but that doesn't mean changing who Jason is.   Also, what is up with Jason having a sister? Wrong horror icon guys. That is Michael Myers from the Halloween franchise who wants to kill his blood kin. Not Jason. Jason wants to kill any and everyone who comes to his woods of Crystal Lake to have premarital sex, drinking, and doing drugs.  As simple as that.  These relative stories usually make horror icons problematic in the end. Look at the Halloween series, which has had way more misses than hits.   They even tried a relative story with Freddy Krueger in Freddy's Dead by having the main character turn out to be his daughter.  That didn't work so hot either. Lose the relative stories because they always seem to put a curse on the icon rather than progress the character.   Why the hell did Jason strip the Police Officer fully naked, chain him to the table in a weird S&M/Bondage fashion, and shave the man's mustache? Are you trying to tell me that Jason may be a homosexual?   Just because a guy likes to live alone and has a fucked up looking face doesn't mean he likes dick in the mouth.   Are you sure that this mortician is possessed by Jason Voorhees? It seems like he is more likely possessed by Jesse from A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge!  That joke was kinda mean. If you are gay/lesbian, I'm sorry if I just sounded like a complete homophobe.  I'm really not, I just found it VERY oddly that Jason would do that. That's all. And what's up with the Book of the Dead from the Evil Dead movies being inside the Voorhees house? I take it that this film was highly inspired by the work of Sam Raimi and it definitely shows.

 

 I'm personally not a fan of the new  design of Jason in this movie. It's not bad, but I prefer the look from the previous Jason movies.  The finale of this movie was fucking awesome unlike the last installment. No toxic waste or Muppet face Jason here. I loved it when all of the demonic hands came out and pulled Jason into Hell.  I truly miss claymation FX. Those were the good old days!  The best part is when Freddy's glove pops up out of the ground and grabs the hockey mask as Freddy laughs. This of course set it up for Freddy Vs. Jason to be the next installment. 

 

         The direction by Adam Marcus was pretty good. All I ask in a Jason movie is to be entertained and Marcus definitely delivered there. 

 

    Harry Manfredini returned with another cool music score.

 

 The acting was pretty decent for the kinda movie this is. I really liked  John D. LeMay and Kari Keegan as the leads, Steven and Jessica. Steven Culp played a real dick as Robert Campbell. Erin Grey was okay as Diana at the beginning of the film. Steven Williams was okay as Creighton Duke, but didn't really do much for the film aside from providing a false Jason legend. And Kane Hodder was awesome as always as Jason Voorhees, well the few times Jason was Jason. Hodder also had a cameo as a security guard. I find it funny that he killed himself, literally spoken. Hodder also briefly played as Freddy's glove. Damn, technically the guy tackled two icons. That's a first.  Sadly, the next installment will be Kane Hodder's last portrayal of Jason.  All in all, pretty decent acting.

 

Overall, Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday can be a very fun and enjoyable film as long as you don't take it seriously.  It definitely has its problems, but I still find it to be entertaining as Hell.

 

See, Hell can be a very fun place to grow up after all.  Jason Goes To Hell is surely a HELLRAISER!  I think it's time for another vacation. Don't you? I hear space is always nice this time of year. Looks like Leprechaun, Pinhead and the Cenobites, and the Critters just got back and said that it will take your breath away! HEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

 

RATING

2.5/4 STABS

 

 

 

 

       Isn't outer space so lovely? The bright stars. The nightly sky. The Killer Klowns who wrap Humans up in Cotton Candy and drink their blood with a bendy straw.  Predators. Aliens.  Hot blondes with snake tits that love to mate with college boys during the winter time.  Space sure has its problems. But now the 26th Century has a HUGE problem. Oh, it's not an it but a whom. His name is JASON VOORHEES!

 

PLOT

   The Crystal Lake Research Facility is holding Jason Voorhees, planning to use him to make some quick cash. You know, kinda like what Hollywood has been doing the past thirty years.  Anyway, a scientist named Rowan plans to cryogenically freeze Jason, but Jason sets off some kinda security thing that locks both of them in the freezer. In 2455, a group of space travelling college students happen to find Rowan and Jason perfectly preserved.  They take them aboard their space ship and revive Rowan with some kind of generating machine that uses billions of ants to regenerate damaged tissue.  Things take a deadly turn when Jason wakes up from his 400 years of sleep and begins slaughtering just about everyone on board the ship. It is up to the survivors to stop Jason, but Jason gets an upgrade too, which places them all in grave danger.

 

review

  In 1993, New Line Cinema released their first Jason movie titled Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday.  This ninth entry in the long lasting horror franchise left the doors wide open for a Freddy Vs. Jason film.  Originally, New Line had planned for the next film to pit the two slashers against each other. Fans were very excited and already debating on who would win. Problems came up with finding the right script to support both icons.  The '90s were over and the 21st Century had arrived with still no luck in finding a Freddy Vs. Jason script that would work out.   New Line finally decided to make another Jason movie, but wanted a story that would take place way into the future so that it would not mess up the possibility of doing a Freddy Vs. Jason film.  Producer Sean S. Cunningham suggested that in the next film to put Jason in space.  Leprechaun, Hellraiser, James Bond, and Critters have been to outer space. So, why not send Jason there too? So in 2001, Jason X was released to theaters.

 

       Jason X is a film that fans of this franchise either like or hate. People like me happen to enjoy it for the cheese and that the film is a lot of fun. Others hate it because it is ridiculous and that it is not your typical Jason flick.  Sue me, I enjoy Jason X and thought that it is a cheesy fun time. This is what I call a beer and popcorn flick that you just watch with a group of friends and laugh.  This film is also a little special to me since it was the first Jason movie that I was able to see in the theater.  I was really little when Parts 7-9 came out and plus didn't become a horror fan until like 1996 after being introduced to John Carpenter's 1978 classic Halloween and Scream back when VHS was the way to go.

 

       The screenplay written by Todd Farmer is pretty amusing and enjoyable.  Farmer would go on to write the awesome 3D remake of My Blood Valentine. This is not just a slasher flick, but a mix of sci fi/action/horror.   I also thought that most of the characters were entertaining to watch especially the fembot with the plastic boobs Kay-Em 14.   This robot was all kinds of badass! Fuck that robot dancing wannabe rocker chick Violet from Friday The 13th: A New Beginning. Kay-Em is the real deal.  Rowan was also really cool as the heroine of sorts. I liked her a lot. Plus, she was pretty hot.  Tsunaron was pretty cool too as the robotics expert/science geek guy. Sgt. Brodski was probably my other favorite character. This guy was so badass!  Prof. Lowe was kinda annoying and such a fucking moron that it was funny. Janessa was pretty sexy and cool. She also pinches her Professor's nipples in order to pass. Ugh, yeah.  Azrael  was pretty funny.  And of course Jason was a badass as always.  I pretty much enjoyed the characters.

 

       And now for what is usually the best part of a Jason movie: the kills! The kills in Jason X are pretty cool for the most part. The best and my personal favorite is when Jason first wakes up on the space ship and kills a girl by freezing her entire face then slamming her face down on the counter, totally breaking it off.  A girl gets sucked through a small hole.  Some stupid chick decides to fly a shuttle ship with the fuel lines still attached that blows her up.   We also get the usual stabbings, impaling, slit throats, a guy cut in half, and a severed head.  Decent kills.

 

    One thing that I truly love about this movie is all of the technology and events that have never happened yet.  There's a scene where two guys are playing a virtual reality game that looks like a lot of fun to play.  I thought that the whole ants regenerating tissue machine was very weird and humorous.  That would definitely come in handy this day and age.   There's an Earth II? Really? Please tell me that it is a hell of a lot better than the Earth we are currently living on.   It's not just movies and books getting sequels, but now our fucking planets are too.   I wonder if Earth will go the Friday The 13th route by having twelve sequels in the franchise of life.   What's next in technology? Regenerating rotting corpses since the dawn of man to live another hundred fucking years?   The scene where Tsunaron and Rowan set up a virtual reality of Camp Crystal Lake for Jason as a distraction was great. I loved that they payed homage to the sleeping bag kill from Friday The 13th: The New Blood. That scene was hilarious.

 

        I do have a few issues with the film though.  If Earth I is dead, then how in the hell did these people find Jason and Rowan preserved? Weren't they on Earth I?  Or did I miss something?    I also had some issues with a few characters just being annoying, but that's just small complaints. Personally, I think this movie is ridiculously fun, which it knows what kinda movie it is and ain't afraid to show it.   

 

   Uber Jason looked fucking cool to me.  I loved the outfit and the red eyes. Very cool and badass looking Jason. 

 

    The music by Harry Manfredini worked liked always.

 

         The direction by James Isaac was actually pretty good. Jason X was entertaining, hilarious, action packed, and fun. Just the way I like it.

 

    The acting was also really good. Lisa Ryder was fucking awesome as the fembot Kay-Em 14. Lexa Doig was great as Rowan. Chuck Campbell was hilarious and awesome as Tsunaron. Peter Mensah was a badass as Sgt. Brodski. Derwin Jordan was decent as Waylander. Melyssa Ade was pretty hot as Janessa. Jonathan Potts was okay as Professor Lowe. Dov Tiefenbach was pretty funny as Azrael. And Kane Hodder was badass as always in his last portrayal of Jason Voorhees.  Hodder has gone on to play in various other horror films and is now playing the swamp hatchet slashing maniac Victor Crowley in Adam Green's modern slasher franchise Hatchet.

 

Overall, Jason X is a ridiculously fun and massively entertaining sci fi/action/horror flick.  A lot of people hate this film, but I personally enjoy it from time to time. Sure, it is cheesy as hell, but that's the beauty of it for me.  This is what it would be like possibly if George Lucas directed a Friday The 13th flick. 

 

 Looks like Jason is a real icon now. Four-hundred years and he is still killing off care free teens.   We will be rewinding back to 2003 when he took on that sleazy child killer Fredrick "Robert Englund" Krueger. Not so fast, patience my fiends.   I will get to that battle in November when we visit the many tales of the nightmares on Elm Street.  In the next episode, Jason will be re-imagined for a new generation of fans. The Jason story is remade and reborn in 2009's FRIDAY THE 13TH.  So, lock up your cabins because Jason is not over. He has only just begun! HEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

RATING

2.5/4 STABS

 

  

 

 

   

Friday The 13th: The New Blood (1988) / Friday The 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

 

 

       Poor Tina Shepard. All she wanted was her father to be alive again and instead got Crystal Lake's most popular hockey masked maniac, Jason Voorhees.  What ol' Jay boy doesn't know is that our heroine has a secret of her own.

 

PLOT

   Young Tina Shepard runs outside as her parents fight.  Her father chases after her as she takes off in the boat. She tells him that she hates him for hurting her mother. Her anger causes the pier that her father is standing on to collapse since she has the ability of telekinesis and accidentally kills him.  We jump several years later where a teenage Tina and her mother are returning to their old lake house so Tina's doctor, Dr. Crews, can help her get over her guilt of what happened to her father.  What Tina and her mother don't know is that Dr. Crews doesn't plan to help Tina, but to exploit her abilities for money.  Meanwhile next door, Nick is hosting a surprise party for his cousin Michael with some stereotypical Friday The 13th victims just itching to come face to face with Jason's machete.   Tina begins a friendship with Nick even though the skanky blonde bitch Melissa does everything she can do to give her crabs to Nick.  One night, an upset Tina cries near Crystal Lake for her father to come back to her. Unknowingly, she unchains Jason at the bottom of the lake with her powers. Jason emerges from the lake, causing Tina to faint. Soon, Tina begins to see visions of people being killed by some big dude wearing a hockey mask. Jason makes his way to crash Michael's surprise birthday bash and comes face to face with Tina. Will Tina's powers help her defeat Jason for good or will there be yet ANOTHER Friday The 13th?

 

REVIEW

   In 1986, Paramount Pictures released the very successful sixth installment in their popular Friday The 13th franchise titled Friday The 13th: Jason Lives.  Jason Lives breathed new life into the saga after the stupid fifth installment Friday The 13th: A New Beginning almost killed and buried the franchise for good.  Since Jason Lives was so successful at the box office, what happened? You got it! They made another sequel. Now, you're catching on to Hollywood's thinking.  In 1988, Paramount Pictures released the seventh installment Friday The 13th: The New Blood.   It basically did the average Friday The 13th thing except this time, it gave the heroine of the film telekinetic powers.   They basically wrapped up the Tommy Jarvis story in the last movie, so they decided to start with a fresh new heroine named Tina Shepard.

 

     The story is pretty average except for the whole telekinesis deal.  Daryl Haney and Manuel Fidello wrote an okay screenplay, I guess.   Telekinesis is the ONLY new thing added to this film.  The thing that made the last film so appealing was the over the top kills, zombie Jason, interesting characters, and the addition of humor to the victims before they die. Here, the characters are just forgettable for the most part.  They are set up to die, which is how these Friday characters mostly are, but these characters just didn't have much of a personality and were cattle just waiting to be slaughtered.  The only characters that really held my interest was Tina (the heroine) because of all the shit she was going through. She has a doctor that just wants to use her to make cash off her powers and then throw her in the mental hospital. Plus, she feels majorly guilty for accidentally killing her father. Tina treats her gift more of a curse than a gift.  This girl doesn't need therapy, she needs to join Professor Xavier at the Mutant Academy so she can be trained to use her ability safely. 

 

    Nick is the typical love interest for the heroine, but definitely has a personality and I cared to see him live.  Melissa is a cold hearted bitch that should get fucked with a dick made out of maggots. I hated this girl for all the right reasons. What a fucking bitch!  Dr. Crews was a money hungry douche bag that deserved over a million gruesome ways to die.  I felt bad for Michael. Poor guy. He has to get killed by Jason on his birthday.  Jason could have at least let him enjoy his party.  Oh right, Jason hates parties and friend get togethers.  If he wants to hack up annoying people that much then I will just bring him as a guest to my high school reunion.   All of the other characters are so one dimensional that their names have totally escaped me. We have some sci fi geek, a stoner couple, a sex couple, a black sex couple, some random couple staying in a tent in the woods,  and Michael's girlfriend.  My favorite character of this movie is Jason for sure. He's a fucking pissed off badass in this movie.  I don't blame him though. If I was chained to the bottom of Crystal Lake for over a decade then I would have a taste for horny teenage blood myself. 

 

And now for what is usually the best part of a Friday The 13th film: the kills. The kills in Friday The 13th: The New Blood are REALLY tame and toned down for the most part.  This movie was originally going to be balls to the fucking wall gory. Unfortunately, horror movies can't be released to movie theaters rated X/NC-17, so the good stuff had to be toned down to get an R rating according to the Motion Picture Association of America. Yup, the MPAA gang raped Friday The 13th: The New Blood so hard that it's ass is oozing all the blood. Way to go ratings board, fuck you and your little rules too!   It truly breaks my heart to see what could have been a really awesome horror flick get butchered  like that.  This shit even happens today, probably not as much due to the fact that movies can get away with more shit nowadays.  Anyways, the kills were really hurt thanks to the MPAA. The one kill that everyone loves including myself is Jason grabbing a girl who is wrapped up inside a sleeping bag and slamming it ONCE into a tree.  My second favorite is when Jason stabs a girl in the eye with a birthday party blow horn.  There's one involving a spinning blade, but the scene was obviously cut too soon, so we don't get to see the good stuff. Considering that character was an asshole, we should have been able to see it just for the smile.  I liked Melissa's death where Jason hits her in between the eyes with an axe and then tosses her body across the living room.  All in all, disappointing kills for a Friday The 13th movie.

 

    The music score by Harry Manfredini was awesome as always and personally my favorite of his Friday The 13th musical scores.

 

   The direction by special FX artist John Carl Buechler was pretty off and on. I don't blame Buechler for this personally since the MPAA forced him to cut and take out a lot of good stuff. This is a movie that we could use an UNCUT version on DVD. I'm highly surprised that it hasn't been released uncut.  I'm really curious what this movie was supposed to be like.  I personally don't mind Buechler as a director, but he is a far better special FX artist in my opinion.

 

The acting was okay for the most part. Lar-Park Lincoln was alright as Tina. She was definitely better than Alice and maybe Chris, but she still ain't no Ginny Fields or even Tommy Jarvis. Susan Blu was okay as Tina's mother Amanda. I really liked Kevin Spirtas as Nick. Susan Jennifer Sullivan was great at playing the rich and snobby bitch of the movie as Melissa. I hated this girl's guts for all the right reasons. And she WOULD be the last one to bite it too. Terry Kiser played a great greedy douche bag as Dr. Crews. I wanted this guy to bite it SO badly. William Butler was decent as Michael. It's funny because Butler would play another victim in Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III in 1990 and also got killed off by Freddy Krueger in the tv show Freddy's Nightmares.  He should be a victim in a Halloween film too!  Everyone else was okay. Nobody else really stuck out as the Crystal Lake victims. And last and surely not least, Kane Hodder's first portrayal as Jason Voorhees. Hodder is the most popular actor to play Jason and a fan favorite since he has returned to play Jason in the next three Friday The 13th movies, which established him as being Jason.  While Hodder is not my personal favorite portrayal of Jason, I still loved his performance. Kane gave Jason something that nobody had really seen until this movie, which was a personality. He played him differently from those who came before him and really made the character his own.   Kane Hodder as Jason is definitely the best part of this movie for me as a fan. The Jason make-up looked fucking awesome in the final act when Tina uses her power to break the hockey mask, revealing Jason's gruesome face. He looked like a mean killing machine and a total badass.  Jason kicked a lot of ass in this movie!

 

I do have a HUGE issue with the film though aside from a lot of the victims being really forgettable and the MPAA raping the kill scenes.  What the fuck is up with the conclusion to this movie? Tina somehow summons her dead father to grab Jason and pull him back into the water. Uh, whah? How? What?  I'm sorry, but that is just fucking confusing as hell. That would make as much sense as to having Michael Myers's mother come back from the dead after blowing her own brains out. Oh wait, THAT DID HAPPEN!  Anyways, yeah, that ending was bogus. I t would have been one thing if it was a dream and they had explained that, but no. They leave it without explaining it at all.  Although, I do admit that I would much rather have this confusing ending than the one we get in the next installment.

 

Overall, Friday The 13th: The New Blood is a pretty average slasher flick.  It's basically Carrie Vs. Jason.  The best part is Kane Hodder as Jason, the sleeping bag kill, the blow horn in the eye kill, the look of Jason, and that is pretty much it. It's still watchable, but this is the start of where the franchise began to go downhill until 2003 with Freddy Vs. Jason.

 

Looks like Crystal Lake is starting to lose its flavor of blood. I think it's time for a vacation, don't you? Maybe Los Angelos? No.  Maybe Vegas? No. How about Haddonfield? Nope. Springwood? Nada.   I've got it! How about Manhattan? Yupperooni.

 

RATING

2/4 STABS

 

 

 

 

 

Looks like the Big Apple is in big trouble. Jason Voorhees has arrived all the way from Crystal Lake to give our New York friends a slashing or two.   Too bad that most of our vacation takes place on a cruise ship.  Mae-day! Mae-day! We have a sinking ship on our hands and it is called Friday The 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan.

 

PLOT

   A young couple consisting of a Jared Leto look alike and his girlfriend are spending some alone time on a boat next to Crystal Lake.  The guy tells his girlfriend the legend of Jason Voorhees.  While lowering the anchor, it accidentally gets tangled in some power lines at the bottom of the lake, causing electrical charges to go through Jason's body and revive him from a deep sleep. Jason comes aboard the boat, retrieves a hockey mask that the guy used to scare his girlfriend, and then kills the couple. The next day, some high school Seniors at Crystal Lake High are taking a cruise ship to New York City. Unknowingly to them, Jason hops aboard too. Among these teens is shy Rennie Wickham, who has a phobia of the water.   She weirdly begins to see a young Jason every time she is alone.  One by one, Jason begins killing off these teens. The survivors catch a life boat and end up in New York. To their surprise, Jason has followed them there, where he confronts Rennie and the Captain's son Sean  in the sewers beneath New York that makes for the worst ending of the entire franchise.

 

review

  In 1988, Paramount Pictures released its seventh installment in the popular Friday The 13th franchise titled Friday The 13th: The New Blood. The film pitted Jason against the telekinetic Tina Shepard and was the first time that stunt man Kane Hodder donned the hockey mask and machete.  The New Blood did decent business at the box office, which meant that another Friday The 13th was definitely going to happen. During the mid '80s, horror fans wanted to see both Jason Voorhees from the Friday The 13th franchise go up against the equally iconic Freddy Krueger from the A Nightmare On Elm Street franchise.  The problem was that neither Paramount Pictures or New Line could agree on anything.  Talk came back up for a Freddy Vs. Jason film in the late '80s.  Rob Hedden was hired to write and direct the eighth Friday The 13th film. Hedden told Paramount that he really wanted to make Freddy Vs. Jason happen. Paramount and New Line were again in disagreement for the film. Paramount wanted Jason to win and New Line wanted Freddy to win. Being that Paramount was on a time frame, the idea was postponed again.  Hedden decided that he wanted to do something totally different with his take on the iconic Jason Voorhees by taking Jason out of Crystal Lake. Jason had been killing stereotypical dumbasses at Crystal Lake for seven films already and it was starting to get old for many fans who wanted something fresh to occur in the franchise.  Rob Hedden brought the idea up of taking Jason to New York City. Paramount Pictures agreed to the plan. 

 

       Taking Jason to New York sounded like a fantastic idea. The posters got everybody excited for the film. Jason was coming to the Big Apple and was going to do some slashing! Unfortunately, the studio ran low on money and could only afford a few days to film in New York. This lead to a lot of rewrites on Hedden's script. So, the first like hour and ten minutes of the film takes place on the cruise ship where Jason does most of the killing and the last twenty minutes takes place in the mean streets of Manhattan.  Now, while I can understand the disappointment in having almost all of the kills on the cruise ship, that isn't what hurts this film for me. What really hurts this film is the execution.   Friday The 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan is a bad film, yes, but it also has a few good qualities about it that make it somewhat watchable.

 

     The screenplay that Rob Hedden wrote is not too bad. Sure, it has many flaws, but it could have been so much worse.   I didn't find the characters all that interesting for the most part. They definitely didn't bore me, but they sure as hell didn't have me rooting for them to survive this trip either.  It's pretty sad when the only interesting characters in this movie is the asshole school principal Charles McCulloch and Jason.  Hell, I didn't even find the final girl Rennie interesting at all. I felt a little bad that her asshole of an uncle would teach her to swim by pushing her into Crystal Lake after telling her that Jason likes to pull down anybody who falls in without knowing how to swim. Nice parenting skills pal.  She just felt so bland as a horror movie heroine. Even Alice was a better heroine in the original Friday The 13th.  Rennie is just my least favorite of the many girls that have fought Jason. McCulloch was an asshole for sure, but he definitely kept my interest probably because I wanted to see Jason play beer pong with his eyeballs.   The token boyfriend character/hero Sean was equally uninteresting to me. The only thing interesting about him was that he kinda looked like an '80s version of Ryan Reynolds minus being  fucking awesome.   The rest of the characters consist of some wannabe rocker chick named J.J, who doesn't last long at all. A film geek named Wayne. Some popular bitch named Tamara and her Asian friend Eva.  The token black guy who is a boxer named Julius. The creepy old deck hand guy who is obviously a rip off of Crazy Ralph by warning everybody about Jason and that they're all going to die. And then there is a teacher named Miss Deusen.  That about sums it up.  The characters are pretty forgettable for the most part except for McCulloch.  Pretty meh characters.

 

      And now for what is normally the best part of these Friday The 13th films: the kills! The kills in Friday The 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan are pretty tame for the most part. The most remembered one is when Jason gives Julius a one hitter quitter on a rooftop in New York, which causes Julius's head to pop off. It's cool because then we get the severed head's POV as it rolls down the roof and into a dumpster, finished by the lid closing shut. My second favorite is when Jason kills the dude in the Sauna by ramming a very hot rock into the guy's stomach.  I also kinda liked where Jason bashed the wannabe rocker chick's head in with her own guitar.  The drug needle kill was a good one too. But, aside from those that I mentioned, the kills were pretty tame. All of the others were impaling, stabbing, electrocution, breaking necks, polluted water, and the usual.  I guess that Paramount took notice to how raped The New Blood got by the MPAA that they decided to do them a favor and tone down the violence so that they wouldn't have to worry about the ratings board being on their asses.  Fuck you MPAA, like seriously. Up and down. Backwards and forewards. And to pop it off with a cherry on top.

 

    The direction by Rob Hedden is pretty meh and forgettable too.  Enough said about the direction.

 

       There are quite a few things that really make this movie bad.  Most people hate Jason Takes Manhattan because Jason is killing these high school ditwits on a cruise ship for over half of the movie instead of in the streets of New York City like the posters have been promising. I totally understand where they are coming from, but truth be told, I don't hate Friday The 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan surprisingly enough. I'm just highly disappointed that a film with so much promise and interesting ideas became, well, this kinda movie.  It's like when you are a little kid and waiting forever to get a toy just to find out that it doesn't work or doesn't even do half the shit that it promises.   I can kinda understand why Rennie keeps seeing a young Jason because of her uncle scaring her as a child, but why the fuck does he look like a normal kid huh? Jason has been DEFORMED his whole life. Even in the original 1980 Friday The 13th, we see flashbacks of young Jason as he is drowning in the lake and can obviously see that he is partially deformed.  That is the whole reason why he wears a mask isn't it? To cover up his deformed looking face.  I just don't get why they would make him look normal in some visions and then a little deformed in others. 

 

       There's also a scene where Rennie drives a Police car into a building because she "sees" young Jason standing in the middle of an alley. The camera does this slow motion zoom in thing that just made me bust out in laughter. Oh yeah, when Rennie, Sean, and McCulloch get out of the car before it blows up, they up and leave that poor teacher Miss Deusen to burn to death.  Assholes!   Also, since when can Jason teleport? Seriously, one minute he is behind some guy and the next he beats him to the top of the stairs. They don't even explain how he can do that. At least the 2009 remake as bland as that movie was provided some kinda explaination for how Jason gets around so fast.   Jason Takes Manhattan huh? More like, Jason Takes A Cruise Ship In Canada That Is Headed To Gotham City.  This is New York? Really? Aside from the Statue of Liberty, it looks more like Gotham to me. Overrun with crime, smokey alley ways,  polluted water and rats. Yup, it's Gotham alright.   I'm sure the New Yorkers really appreciated the dirty portrayal of their city.  And the BIGGEST problem with this movie goes to the finale. Holy fucking Hell. The finale to this film was an abomination of the character Jason and felt like a blow to the head. What in the world was that? Jason gets hit with toxic waste that for some fucking reason floods the sewers of New York every night at midnight and it turns big badass Jason into a character on The Muppets. Seriously, his face became puppet like. I wouldn't be surprised if you shoved your hand up his ass, that you could get his mouth to move the echo "KI KI KI MA MA MA". The best part though is when he turns back into a little boy again. That is NOT Jason! That is fucking Pinocchio.  No more comments on the conclusion.

 

The acting is pretty meh for the most part. It's probably because the way that these characters are written. Jensen Daggett did nothing for me as the heroine Rennie. Scott Reeves did equally nothing for me as the heroine's boyfriend Sean.  Peter Mark Richman was probably the best actor in the film as the asshole Charles McCulloch.  I hated that guy for the right reasons and he didn't even get a good death. Vincent Craig Dupree was actually decent as the token black boxer Julius.  I liked the scene where he was boxing Jason. At least it wasn't Busta Rhymes karate chopping Michael Myers like in that horrid called Halloween: Resurrection. Barbara Bingham was alright as Miss Deusen.  And Kane Hodder was again really awesome as Jason aside from that Muppet ending.  I really loved the sequence when Jason first arrives in New York and he looks up at a hockey billboard with some goalie wearing the same mask and Jason tilts his head. My favorite and most hilarious part of this movie was when Jason walks passed some hoodlums, kicks and breaks their boom box playing rap music, they start pulling out switch blades. One of them says, "You're dead meat slime bag."  Then, Jason turns around and pulls up his hockey mask, revealing to them his face and then the thug says, "It's cool man. It's cool." and all of the guys run away scared. That shit was fucking brilliant! The rest of the cast are pretty eh though.

 

Overall, Friday The 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan is a majorly disappointing film.  It didn't go over well at the box office back in 1989, which caused Paramount Pictures to sell the rights back to the original's director Sean S. Cunningham and lead to New Line putting out the rest of the franchise. Paramount Pictures would not come back into the franchise as well as any more Jason movies  using "Friday The 13th" in the title until Platinum Dunes rebooted the franchise in 2009. 

 

    Looks like our vacation is over already. It's time for a new home for Jason at New Line, under the same house as Mr. krueger and Mr. Leatherface.  Stay tuned for the next episode where I will see Jason off to Hell. Until the next slashing, have a nice fright! HEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHA!

 

RATING

1/4 STABS